As much as I didn't want to and thought I wouldn’t, I realize that I came to Botswana with a lot of preconceived ideas and assumptions about what things would be like in “Africa” and how I would react. Of course, some of these ideas were right, but others were proven wrong. No matter what I had been told or taught, or the narrative I had been fed, it took being in the field and seeing how everything played out in practice for me to fully begin to grasp and put this narrative into question. Everything I knew or thought I knew about development and about myself was put to the test.

Perhaps one of the most eye-opening experiences and moments of cognisance came early on in my 8 months, when we went on one of our harrowing driving adventures with our coworkers to be shown notable places in Shakawe. On the way I got to see a whole other side of Shakawe that I had not yet seen just from walking back and forth down the one and only main road every day: it was what my coworkers referred to as the “village”, and a village it was - a very quaint community, with people and families out and about and full of life, going about their lives. Our noisy truck bumping along the makeshift roads between the little clusters of huts and fences, getting stuck numerous times in the sand, seemed to be disturbing the normal daily activity of all the people who stopped what they were doing and stared as we jounced by.

I felt at once both humbled and extremely out of place. My initial thought was that this is more or less what I was picturing when I knew I would be going to a town in rural Botswana. Fortunately or unfortunately for the perpetuation of the stereotypes, the image of “rural Africa” that many people, including myself, have in their head is exactly what I witnessed. Except that instead of feeling like there were things wrong with the scenario and that I needed to do something to help these impoverished people, I was in awe - impressed with the way these people lived, the simplicity of their lives, people living and working together, the fact that things seemed to be working and life carried on as it had for many decades before, the feeling of community and harmony, and of course, the contentedness.

This made me question my role in development. Seeing all these people that are supposedly poor and living in substandard conditions, as a development practitioner should I not want to do something to remedy the situation and improve these people’s lives? If I can drive by this village and not be deeply moved to take action, what is it then that I am setting out to do? Who am I trying to help? Is my help even needed? What does “helping” mean? And what, then, is the purpose of the entire field of development?

Taking a step back, here are some of the things I learned and observed while living and working in Shakawe that may serve to answer these questions.

• People are so much richer than we think. Yes, all of Shakawe is not living in abject poverty and Botswana as a whole is fairly well-off, but the images we often see portraying life in rural villages usually don’t tell the full story. You see the huts, some with their cracked walls and sagging thatch roofs, and assume the people inside are poor. But this is not always the case, at least not in Shakawe. Most people have access to water and electricity, and everyone walks around with a cell phone, if not two or three. There is an established infrastructure and set of institutions and processes. Whether through the formal or informal economy, people are earning an income and contributing to supporting themselves and their families. But the richness also comes from the quality of interactions among people in the community and the ability to be happy or to find light in any situation.
• No matter how different people or societies may appear and no matter how confusing adapting to another culture may seem, I found that there are more similarities than there are differences between life in Botswana and life in Canada. I constantly struggled to define what it was that made Botswana different from Canada, but every time I would find myself picking out just as many similarities as differences. There are the obvious differences, like the landscapes and the languages and the appearance of processes (or seeming lack thereof), but beneath the surface things are really the same, because at the core of it, people are people. We all have the same desires for our lives. We all have the same basic needs. We all have families. We all belong in a community. We all play, grow, learn, share, and feel emotions.
• People have incredible capacities for innovation and coming up with solutions to help themselves. This could be in terms of working collectively for the greater good of the community, coming up with small businesses to help earn an alternate source of income, or even coming up with creative ways to fix something that is broken or substitute for a material that is not available. It is in our nature not just to make do with what we have, but to make the most of it.
• Not everything needs changing and I am not the one who needs to change everything. Yes, others may need help, and morally one might feel obligated to help others to be able to live a happy life with opportunities and free from vulnerabilities, but maybe my help or that of other foreigners is not the best answer. Ideas of what doesn’t work or what needs fixing are often largely based on external perceptions, which can overlook or misjudge the real issues, and make incorrect assumptions about things that might actually work within the context.
• But most of all, it seems the Batswana are most suited to helping themselves “do their own development”. I do not feel like I am needed to do development in Botswana. I am not denouncing the entire purpose of the development field and the aims of reducing inequalities and improving lives of my fellow people; rather I am putting trust in the capacities of others; those who have the knowledge, skills and resources relevant within the cultural context to better be able to come up with appropriate solutions than I am able to do.

To back up some of these statements, I will provide a little bit of context to the nature of development in Botswana.

Generally, the Batswana people are content with the way things are and how things work in their country. In a conversation I had with a 14-year-old girl from Shakawe, she emphasized her contentment with her country and said what she likes about Botswana is that it is peaceful and everyone lives equally. There is a sense of resourcefulness, and a desire to live together in harmony, working with each other to improve the situation for everyone. Identifying and solving their own problems as they see fit gives them a sense of pride and ownership.

It's crazy how quickly we get used to things, but we often only realize just how familiar something has become until we have to leave it.

I have always disliked the question "where are you from". Having lived in four different cities in my lifetime, a fifth for university, a sixth being in Shakawe, and being born in yet a different city makes answering the question difficult. Even traveling around Botswana and Southern Africa and for filling out forms at border crossings I carry both my Canadian passport and my Botswana residency permit.

Though all this moving around and traveling can be fun, it is also always nice to return to a place you call home. Here in Botswana, the feeling I get of coming home when returning to Shakawe, whether after being out of the country or just a few hours away on a bus or even just a few minutes away in a neighbouring village, has been stronger than in other places I have lived in my life. This may be because Shakawe is the most familiar thing in an entire continent that is (or was) unfamiliar, so I have held on to this place more strongly than I might have otherwise.

As cliché as it is, I am coming to realize even more that "home" is not necessarily a physical building. It is an environment where you feel comfortable. It can be temporary or permanent, can change often or remain the same forever, and can even exist in multiple places at one time.
Just as Waterloo became my home while spending the majority of my last three years there for school, Shakawe has also become my home for the past almost seven months. This sentiment has become a lot stronger lately as I realize that my time here is coming to an end. Driving and walking down the roads, taking in my surroundings, I realize how familiar everything here is and how used to it I am. This has become my new normal. I live here and feel comfortable here. I feel as integrated in this community as I have felt in other communities I have been part of. I have made this place my own.

(Translation: I speak Setswana…a little bit.)

Just for fun, here is a little bit about Setswana, the most widely spoken language in Botswana.

I have been immersed in this language for the past 7 months, though unfortunately have not really been forced to learn it, as most people still speak English (the official language of Botswana). Nonetheless, I have formally been taking Setswana lessons since the end of January (I should have done this a lot sooner), and am gaining a greater appreciation for and knowledge of the language. With the help of a wonderful tutor and my trusty notebook for reference, I am now making complex sentences. But even now that I know quite a bit of the language, it is still nearly impossible to figure out what people are saying. Everyone speaks way too quickly and all the words in a sentence sound like one long word strung together. I still try to pick out words that I know and get excited when I recognize words or grammar elements.

At times Setswana lessons can be frustrating, because I am typically quick to pick up languages, but this one is quite different from every other language I have I dabbled in. I try to relate it to French grammar (which works occasionally) or try to make patterns or rules to figure things out…but I have learned to stop asking "Why" something is like that in our lessons, because the answer is usually "It just is". And just when I think I have something figured out, I make a new sentence only to discover that this instance is different than what I thought I knew.

Despite the confusion, lessons are very entertaining and I enjoy the mystery of figuring out this language. The best part about Setswana is the sounds - the funny letter combinations (tlh, kg, nts, mm, nn, tsh…all followed by vowels; and ng as a separate syllable sound) and the repetition of similar sounds (ga ke kake ka; lebati lele le tswetswe; setlhare se se telele; and can't forget the commonly used o o, e e, le le, a a, and ba ba).

Here are some sentences written in Setswana. Feel free to ask for a translation, or try to figure some of it out yourself!
*Pronunciation hints: Every letter has its own sound; pronounce every sound. And 'g' (unless preceded by an 'n') sounds like an 'h'.

Dumelang! Lo kae? Ke teng.
Ee...Ke bidiwa Jordan. Ka Setswana, leina la me ke Mmapula. Ke dingwaga tse masome a mabedi le bongwe. Ke tswa ko Canada mme ke nna mo Shakawe ko Botswana gompieno jana. Ke tsile ka sefofane ka Lwetse ngwaga o o fetileng le ditsala tsa me Bailey le Casey. Ke bereka ko TOCaDI ka dikgwedi di le boferabobedi. Moranang ke tla ya lwapeng.
Re tsamayile ka dinao kwa tirong malatsi otlhe go fetlhela re fudusetswa kwa TOCaDI. Nthu o nthusa go ithuta Setswana. Re rata ene. Ke rata go tshwantsha le go opela.

Ke tla go bona ka Moranang! Matsatsi a le masome a mabedi le bosupa.
Nnang le letsatsi le le molemo.
Ke a leboga gape go siame :)

It is now March 6. Seven weeks -- 51 days -- remain of my long-anticipated 8-month field placement. I am now in my 7th month of being overseas, and I can now say that next month I will be returning home to Canada. The time is literally flying, despite it seeming to pass slowly at many points along the way. My sentiments keep flip-flopping, but I can definitely no longer say that I am just simply living my life on a different continent half way around the world, in limbo between school and work and real life. Reality is sinking in.

I want to stay in Botswana - The longer I am here and the closer it gets to the end of placement, the more I want to stay and experience all there is to experience while I am still on this side of the globe. I am used to walking these streets and living in this environment and it all seems so normal. I like the freedom and simplicity of life, the chill attitudes and pace, nature everywhere, being outside and everything being open to the outdoors, riding in the back of trucks, walking around barefoot and the fact that this is 100% totally acceptable in practically every situation, locals joking about the strangest things, the humour I find in the most random situations I witness, risk seeming negligible.

I don’t want to stay in Botswana - Work is extremely lacking, not meaningful and I feel I have already done the work required of me for my organization. Things are just too confusing and frustrating sometimes. I am tired of my mundane daily and weekly routine. I am tired of my "Botswana wardrobe". There is still not a lot to do in Shakawe.

I want to go home - Things just make sense. Institutions and processes work. My family and friends are there. There is reliable transportation, electricity, water and internet. There are things to do anywhere at any time of the day or night.

I don't want to go home - Too many things are uncertain. I still have no concrete plans for the summer or the following year. The pace is different. I am scared of reintegrating myself into the real world and the life I left behind in Canada. There are rules and obligations and other people I have to conform to and try to fit myself into.

At this point, am I ready (physically and mentally) to go home? No.
Do I want to go home? Yes and no.
But do I have to go home at the end of April? Yes.
So I am going to make the most of what is left and keep reminding myself how lucky I am to be in Botswana. As a new friend here told me, I should spend the last few weeks "making fires", both literally and metaphorically, so that is exactly what I am going to do.

Hippos.
A cute animal. Sits in the water all day. Lazy. Big, slow and harmless. Sleeps with a smile on its face.
Even house hippos - timid creatures.

One of my most-anticipated moments ever since I knew I was coming to Botswana was seeing a real live hippo. Fortunately for me, this happened early on in my 8-month stay - I heard hippos outside in the dark one night, the next day I saw one for real and dared to go within about 50 metres of it, and then that same night I heard a hippo right outside the tent where we were sleeping. It was all quite the exciting series of events!

Since then I have seen and heard many more hippos in my travels around Botswana - many in Chobe National Park, at least 10 while boating on the Delta one weekend (we may have gotten just a little too close for comfort to these ones), and several on the floodplains right outside our new house, which we hear almost every night grunting and splashing in the water. And I still continue my quest to see more hippos - I rush out to try to see them in the water when I hear their sounds at night.

Despite my excitement and fascination over hippos and my desire to see them up close, this could be a risky obsession…hippos are actually extremely dangerous!

A good example, to the left is a boat I saw first hand that had been taken down by a hippo. Luckily the man sitting in the boat survived, but the same hippo also completely drowned a mokoro canoe, and not all swimmers are that lucky - if not drowned or crushed by the hippo, they are often taken by crocodiles.

Hippos are considered to be the most dangerous animal in Africa due to their aggressive nature, and they kill more people than lions, tigers and alligators combined. They can easily outrun humans, clocking speeds up to 30 km/hr over short distances. Despite their seeming ferocious nature, hippos are actually herbivores, so while they have large teeth to bite or attack other animals when they feel threatened, they would not be able to digest another animal.
They are the third largest land mammal by weight (after elephants and rhinoceroses), weighing between 1.5 and 3 tonnes. Their weight can be attributed to the fact that their bones are not hollow. This means that hippos do not actually float or swim in water, but walk along the bottom. So when you see a hippo's head and back arched out of the water, they are actually standing. Hippos pose the greatest threat when they are in shallow water, standing on the bottom, but unseen to boats and mokoros passing on the surface.

As I await my next hippo encounter, I will leave you with this - a recording of some of the hippos we heard the night we camped out in our backyard (turn the volume up!).

Just as I make observations about this country and its people on a daily basis, it is inevitable that observations are being made about me too. Here is a little bit of insight into what it means to be a Canadian volunteer in Botswana.

First of all, other than Bailey and Casey, both fellow INDEVOURS, and a few other WUSC volunteers, I have not met or heard of a single other Canadian in Botswana. Maybe I am in the wrong part of the country, or they are just being humble and not showing themselves, or there truly is a lack of Canadians living in or traveling through the country. Nevertheless, Canada seems to have a reputation among the Batswana.

Here are some common responses to me saying I am from Canada.

• Ah! It's cold there!
• I would die if I were in Canada
• I love Canada
• I would like to go to Canada
• What is snow?
• What language do you speak?
• Do you speak French?
• Are you from French Canada or English Canada?
• You are from Ontario…so you speak English or French?

Additionally, being an obvious foreigner but yet also usually evidently not just a tourist to Shakawe, without fail every person I talk to beyond saying 'hello' or 'dumela' will ask at least one, but usually all, of these questions:

• Where are you from?
• How long are you here for?
• Do you like Botswana? (I always say yes, except that it is hot (both Canadians and Batswana like talking or complaining about the weather), and they say I am just saying that, like they think they are catching me lying or something)
• After, what do you plan on doing? Do you plan on coming back?
• You don't want to marry a Motswana?

The question of "how long are you here for" I find particularly interesting. Yes, I am evidently foreign, but this makes the assumption they know I will be leaving, an assumption that they have been able to make from seeing many volunteers through the years pass through their community for a few weeks or months or years and then move on.
There can be a lot of tourists to the area in peak times, though most tourists can be found hanging out at the lodges or on the Delta, not around the town. And other foreigners, including those who run the "Chinese shops", are those who have lived here for a significant period of time and are more or less known in the community. So it seems the people in town that are unrecognizable (at least when they first arrive) are assumed to be volunteers; they have seen these people come and go before.
One of our friends who came here from England to teach several years ago and now lives here permanently commented that he finds that most locals do not go out of their way to befriend foreigners, because they know that most are volunteers and will leave again in a few months.
This makes me question (as usual) the nature of development and the impact it is having on communities, and I wonder what other impressions the Batswana have of me. Even though I like to think I am doing something good, I am here mostly to learn, I am here for a significantly longer period of time than many volunteers, and I am living among the locals, I am still a volunteer. I will still leave after a pre-described time, and for all I know, I could be creating more harm than I am helping.

So while I continue to hold onto my Canadian pride half way around the world, I can only wonder how far the friendly and humble Canadian stereotype actually carries beyond its borders.

[This post was initially written in early October last year but I have continually been making additions since then, and recent events have once again made this topic relevant to my life in Shakawe.]

Though this will never be a complete process as I will always be an outsider, I am coming to gain a greater understanding of the people and their culture. In short, the people of Botswana are very friendly and open to sharing their culture.

In an earlier post from September, I had said that I do not always know the intentions of people when they talk to us, and I spent a lot of time being rather skeptical of anyone I met. While I still can't speak for everyone, I now understand the friendliness of the people here. It isn't exactly challenging to remember two young white girls ("lekgoa") who always walk through town, but many people to whom we have now been introduced say they recognize us from seeing us in town or they have heard about us and they know where we work, and seem interested in getting to know us - whether it is the friend of our supervisor, the employees at the grocery store, a police officer who gave us a ride one day, the lady working at the library who taught us some Setswana when we walked by her every morning, the geologists at the mining camp that we always walk by, and an assortment of children, friends of friends, shop owners, and other kind strangers.

In particular in the first two weeks since coming back to Shakawe, we ran into people we had met once or twice before, either randomly on the street or through someone else that we knew, and they all asked if we remembered them. Once getting past the awkwardness of us realizing we had forgotten their names or didn't actually remember them, I have come to appreciate the intentions of all these people and we now have a growing group of local friends. Most of the people that actually stop to have a conversation with us are genuinely interested in getting to know us, it's just a matter of me remembering to look around as I walk and not staying in my own little world. After meeting someone once in Botswana, they consider you to be their friend, and it is a nice feeling to have people excited about seeing you a second time. The friendliness of Shakawe specifically extends even beyond the town itself. In my travels around Botswana, many people I have met have high praise for Shakawe or are even from here, and there is some sort of instant connection and sense of pride of being associated with this small and humble town.

In other instances, we have seen that everyone is proud of their culture. People get very excited and literally flock together to watch the traditional dance groups perform, with loud cheering and audience participation in the dances. We are always asked or told to take pictures of the performances and to show them to people back home to tell them all about Botswana. At first I found this a bit strange, almost like they are exploiting their culture, and seeing local dance groups perform traditional "African" dances at both tourist and local events made me think about the stereotypes that many people have about "Africa" and how they are perpetuated.

I now understand the VIP scenario: at community events there is always a centre tent or a centre table, usually white, reserved for VIPs. A lot of the culture revolves around the processes, procedures, formalities and appearances. We have seen this at every single community event we have attended in Shakawe and the surrounding communities, everything from a nursery school graduation ceremony to a tree planting day to a mobile clinic launch event. In addition to the VIP tent, there are always other tents set up with chairs underneath for people to sit in the shade. There is an MC, guest speakers, and often a DJ. There is always local entertainment. There is always transport arranged to ensure people can get to the event. Regardless of your social or economic status, everything is catered and you are served food. Cold bottled water is distributed throughout the event. Every meeting and event has an opening and closing prayer.

It is not so much about the actual event itself, but the process of planning and carrying it out, and the symbolism of the communal nature of it all. Everyone works and shares and celebrates together. This collectivist mentality also transcends into the way in which development is done (or not done) in Botswana…more to come about this in a future blog post. And one could also say this is a reflection of Botswana's history, where the ways of the Tswana people revolved around collective decision making, consultation and compromise, with participative community kgotla meetings to resolve disputes or make decisions that pertain to the village. These values still exist in villages today and their influence can even be seen in Botswana's modern-day democratic government.

And finally, the Batswana appreciate when you make efforts to integrate into the local culture. Key examples - my attempts at speaking Setswana, introducing myself with my Setswana name (this always gets a great reaction), helping cook for one of the aforementioned community events, and the time I went to a local church service. Pulling out my Botswana residency permit when I enter back into Botswana always warrants a smile from immigration officers, sparks conversation (partly in Setswana), and once even ended in a marriage proposal (joking or serious, I am never too sure).

Living in a small town like Shakawe has given me a better understanding of the people and what brings them together as a community. At first I thought that there was a severe lack of community or cultural events, but how wrong I was.
My next mission is to join the choir that I see practicing just outside my house most nights of the week..I can only imagine their excitement!

A vast expanse of deserted nothingness out the airplane window, clear blue and non-hazy skies, an inescapable blanket of heat, the pace of life slowing right down, friendly encounters and random people starting conversations with me, another marriage proposal from an immigration officer, going through the returning residents line at the airport, and the power going out upon arrival in Shakawe … welcome home to Botswana!

Thanks to a long Christmas holidays in Botswana, I have completed my month-long whirlwind world tour!
30 days, 9 countries (10 if airports count), 6227 photos and videos taken, innumerous passport stamps, visas, border crossings, airports and plane rides, countless sites seen, cultures experienced, things learned, people watched, sleep lost, languages and words learned (or attempted) and new foods tried (a fact which I am extremely proud of considering my usual pickiness), and drinking more coffee and tea than ever before in my life (I am still indifferent about liking either).

My experience was fantastic beyond words, as I was able to see family and friends, experience magnificent sights, and learn a lot about the world and myself.
The world is incredible and full of surprises - not just for its unique sights and sounds and people and the simultaneous differences and similarities that exist everywhere, but meeting up with friends and family half way around the world and traveling from one place to the next in so little time…it's all pretty surreal.
Travel is addictive - the more you see and do, the less satisfying it becomes, so you want to see and do more to top the last adventure.

I have struggled to come to any conclusions on my travels; I had an absolutely amazing time, though I was given a lot to think about and every day I seemed to have a different sentiment or outlook. At times I was lost in the moment thoroughly enjoying myself, other times I was blown away by what I was doing or where I was and how I was so lucky to have the opportunity to be there, other times I was dreading returning to Shakawe, and other times I was feeling very lost and alone and without a purpose or a destination or a home.

For a long while I have questioned my purpose (don't get me wrong, I still don't have it all figured out) and wondered where I belong or what I am doing here. Traveling is great and all, but at some point it has to come to an end. The thought of returning to life in Shakawe was not particularly exciting after four indescribable weeks seeing the world, for obvious reasons but also for the uncertainty of what lay ahead.
But by the end of my travels and in approaching my final destination, I became happier as things became more familiar, like returning to welcome sights of home. While Shakawe is definitely not the most exciting place I could be right now, I have found I have quickly gotten used to life here again and it's like I never left. This is my temporary home and the environment that is most familiar to me at this point in time. I found I missed the little things that make life in Shakawe a story worth telling or laughing about; the things I take in stride as part of the experience -- the sand in my birkenstocks, the spiders everywhere, itchy mosquito bites, the way people react to us when we speak Setswana, funny propositions and conversations with people in town, and my co-worker who loves to talk and is always full of energy.

So, my temporary resolve is that this is where I need to be right now, whether it is because I have to be or to finish something I started or to prove something to myself or some other unknown reason. Traveling is fun but it is always nice to come "home", and I am grateful that I was able to leave for a month in order to come to this realization and give me a new-found appreciation and fresh perspective on placement.

Development work is complicated. You will never completely blend in. Emotions or feelings from experiences, both high and low, are more extreme. Everything takes longer. Some days motivation is non-existent. Processing boundless information and experiences is mentally exhausting.

Being completely honest, the last few weeks have not been the easiest, with both work and life frustrations and the constant cyclical thinking that has plagued me here.
Work - It is hard to be motivated when it seems as if nothing is getting done, future actions or outcomes are unknown, and no one around me, including myself, is 100% behind the work they are doing.
Life - In a small town (village) with no street lights, one bar, a few stores (mostly "Chinese shops"), not many people your age to hang out with, and dangerous animals (hippos) out at night time, finding fulfilling sources of entertainment can be challenging.
Cyclical thinking - Never have I done so much thinking in my life (trust me, I already think a lot), and never in so many circles, without coming to any conclusions. I often tire myself out from processing experiences or trying to make sense of things or trying to solve problems. But more often than not, I just find myself more confused than when I started, with no answers and even more questions or hypotheses. And then, even if resolved somewhat or overcome, without fail, the same thoughts, questions and problems come back again in a few days or weeks.

But despite all the less than ideal situations I can pick out, there are of course always good moments too. So when people ask the extremely vague and open-ended question "How are you doing?" or "How's placement?" I never know how to respond; I can't possibly summarize or formulate this back and forth, positives and negatives, and all my experiences into adequate words or one general sentiment. Nevertheless, I can still confidently say that I am enjoying myself. It is in my nature to be positive and I am usually content at the end of a day, so my appropriately equally vague answer is "Good!".

So, with all the days that are up, the days that are down, and the days that are just too confusing because they are both up and down, I have summed up my attitude into this:

Work has had more than its fair share of ups and downs. Some days I am completely inspired, determined to get tasks done, come up with tons of ideas, and think the work I'm doing is making a difference for the organization. Other days I think everything is hopeless, nothing is moving forward, I am not being helpful, and my work is meaningless.
Welcome to the world of a small NGO in a developing country.

Trying to be as objective as possible, I will share both the positives and negatives of my work environment.
The positives:

• My mandate sounds challenging.
• The projects have good visions, and seem like they will be beneficial or make some difference as they set out to do.
• People seem receptive to my ideas, seem grateful for suggestions on ways to help them, and value an outside perspective.
• People are willing to answer questions.
• When I write out all the things I have done in my time here it sounds like a fair number of concrete tasks.
• My supervisors have given very positive feedback on the work I have done so far.
• I have already seen elements of multiple courses and concepts I have studied in the past 3 years in reading through documents on my two projects, in discussing my mandate, and in working on various tasks - marketing, social entrepreneurship, field ecology, statistics, accounting, event planning, problem solving, and environmental assessment.

The negatives:

• Some tasks written in my mandate do not seem to have materialized or do not exist anymore.
• When asking for more work to do, the answer is often that they don't have anything for us to do right now.
• Asking questions gives me answers that don't inform me of anything new, and I am left with even more questions than I started with.
• I don't know how effective the tasks I have done are in the grand scheme of things, or if they are making any significant contributions to the organisation or their work.
• I often feel like I am left out of the loop of things going on within the organisation that I should be involved in or know about as a contributing or valued member of the organisation.
• Sometimes it seems like the work I am doing is completely aside from or over and above any work they are doing, and would not get done if I wasn't here.
• It is challenging to be motivated to do tasks that I don't always see the benefits from or that do not inspire me.
• Other recurring frustrations include the lack of funding for projects, insufficient communication within the organisation, and poor or non-transparent organisational processes.

So, while I can confidently say work has picked up since starting here, positives and negatives both exist, and it seems my outlook changes on a daily or weekly basis, depending on how I frame it.

Despite being taught that development practitioners shouldn't come in and tell people what to do or assume they have all the answers, and that development is a two-way learning process, in the context of being here it is harder than it sounds to live this out. I did what I didn't want to do.

I realized long ago that the pace of work and priorities are different here, so while things are often frustrating, I need to remind myself to take a step back. Maybe I am expecting too much from the work setting and trying to solve every issue my organisation is facing, when I should be looking within the realm of what is possible. For example, at the beginning of our placement, after making some initial observations and finding out things about some of their processes and operational procedures, Bailey and I sat down and did a ton of brainstorming, looking at all of the issues we saw and coming up with ways to improve them. This led to the creation of a master action plan for the future of the Crafts Centre which we were going to propose to our project supervisor.

However, after the initial excitement about all the things we could help implement and how much of a difference this would make, we soon after realized a few key details. One, half of the things we were writing about we realized we didn't have all the information we needed and didn't actually know how processes happen now. Two, who were we to say that our ideas for improvements would actually make a difference or were the things they wanted our help with. Three, why should they even listen to the things we were proposing, as it was all based in our own observations, knowledge, and opinions about what needed to be done and based on our own "expertise". Four, we had no idea how feasible any of these things would be.

So, after a few days of intense brainstorming and an excited flurry of turning ideas into an action plan, we abandoned our then 17-page, 6000 word document and went back to the drawing board.

What did the drawing board look like?
Finding out more information before jumping right in.
Not making assumptions about what needed changing or what was the right way of doing things or what would be beneficial.
Asking more specific questions, though this still also meant often being left with more questions than answers.
Asking what they wanted us to do or needed us to do before taking matters into our own hands and before contributing our own ideas and perspectives.
Taking tasks more or less one at a time to suit their capacities.
Adjusting our long list of possible activities, within the scope of both our and their time and money resources.
Realizing that to them, us being contributing members didn't necessarily mean coming up with a ton of new ideas for them. They seem to be content with most things right now, and whether we are here or not, things would continue functioning. So, I should be content in any task I can do that is something outside of the realm of what they may have been able to do right now based on their  timeline and resources.

At this point, my general outlook is positive. From their perspective, I am contributing. While it is frustrating that not more is getting done from my perspective, knowing that they value the work I do and that sometimes seemingly insignificant tasks mean something to them should be sufficient for me. In observing the first staff meeting of my organisation since I arrived, I had almost lost all faith in anything ever getting done, but we recently had another meeting and I actually had things to contribute to the agenda and the discussions were relevant to the work I am doing, which to me indicates that I am involved in tasks that are important to TOCaDI and I am helping them move forward. So for now, I am trying to play to my strengths and interests to keep me motivated, while still fitting in with the objectives and perceived needs of my organisation.